A writer's guide to internalizing and over-analyzing

I started writing this post last night,a bit drunk admittedly, but while the mind is mightier than the hand, as my grandma used to say every time I was too tired or lazy to do my homework, my body refused to cooperate and so I gave up and fell asleep. Before my sleepiness got the best of me, I was having a discussion with a friend, about feelings and how they are often affected by other people or circumstances, in the sense that we may be influenced or deceived by outside factors into feeling a certain way, while our mind itself can also trick us into over-analysing what may not in reality even exist. This morning, with a slightly clearer head, I realised that the whole dialogue itself was highly suggestive, making us both rethink and re-evaluate our life's stories even as we are living them . We tried to keep it light by using remote generalizations but in the end we knew exactly what personal experiences we were referring to without ever disclosing them to one another. And it is odd to think that although talking about the same subject we each had something completely different in mind. And what were to happen if the esoteric became prone to the power of suggestion? When you start analysing random details that you know won't change the true outcome of a situation and in fact may forever remain inexplicable? And when engaged in the same conversation you are missing the point because you are, in that moment, obsessively internalising? The conclusion I came to draw was the exact opposite of what I had expected and it is this: despite being influenced by the outside world, deep down your true emotions have already been known, even if you are not fully aware of them.You can't hide the way you feel, you can't justify or explain it. You can't change it or bury it. Whether it is how you feel about another person or say your job, your life and even your financial situation, your feelings are present and generally are yours alone to deal with. Every time you talk about it, ask for advice and opinion(which can be a good way to get things of your chest, or utterly catastrophic if you are easily swayed) what you are subconsciously hoping is to get the answer you already know, the "ok" to feel how you feel.  Telling someone you love them,for instance, should hold its value to you never mind their response as it is of little significance.The other person saying it back won't change the way you feel. Lashing out on someone about something that has nothing to do with them(and you know it) resembles a deranged cry for help. Being dependent on someone's words or actions, defining your emotions based on somebody else's just makes no sense. Perhaps though it is our own indecisiveness, our personal fear of rejection and our need to play it safe, that make it simpler to rely on someone else for the answers.

Who you love

So, there's something called dendrophilia and it really takes the term "tree-hugging hippies" to a whole new level, as it basically means that a person is sexually aroused by trees. Trees!! I mean, look, I have this gorgeous almond tree in front of my bedroom window and each year around late-February it blooms with these delicate little white flowers, quite lovely to wake up to. But I've never gone "jee, I wanna rub against that tree whilst pleasuring myself". Still, when you think of all the other weird shit people are turned on by, plants seem kind of ok somehow(probably not for the trees though). Out of all of the horrific, disgusting stuff I've read about, necrophilia just seems to be especially fucked up. I guess I chose this particular one because of my fascination with writers like Poe and Guy de Maupassant, as well as a brief encounter with the works of Apollinaire.Also, if you've ever touched a dead body in rigor mortis, like say a animal, it's just this odd, gross, hollow thing. So, why? I don't get it. I'm not being rhetorical, I'm actually asking. If anybody has this specific...taste (not really my target audience, but still), I'd like to know, no judgement(ok, a little bit of judgement). On the other hand there is the morally deplorable act of pedophilia, which stems from deep-seeded psychological issues and traumas. What must be understood about these people is that they are mentally ill or unstable in some way or another. This all may seem terribly macabre and a complex subject to bring up so casually, which I promise you I am not, even though it appears as if I am jokingly over-simplifying it. I do not take anything lightly and am not trying to offend anyone. That is anyone, except my high school Religious Studies teacher who is an ignorant cunt who should not be aloud to teach children or have any for that matter. So, this was years ago when I was still in school and in one of her classes,even though I purposefully never missed an opportunity to remind her I am an atheist and the Mother of Hell(she did not think that was funny). Small parenthesis here to explain the previous term. When I was a kid I was very intuitive and loved to mess with people's head, not cool people but the idiots. So, I was 3 or 4 years old and living in London with my parents at the time, when I was on the bus with my dad and in walks this lady and sits in the seat in front of us. She is in her late 50s probably, wearing her proper Sunday church outfit and grasping firmly onto a Bible. I guess there was some kind of asshole vibe emanating from her because I stood up and started chanting "I'm the Mother of Hell, I'm the Mother of Hell". I am not even shitting you. I must've scared the bejesus out of her and I was pleased with myself. Parenthesis close. So, I'm in one of her Religious Studies classes and on she starts going about homosexual people being the same as pedophiles. In front of teenage malleable and extremely suggestible kids. Lets just study this scenario for a second. Pedophiles who are very ill individuals with enough psychological trauma to fill her precious Bible pages, who are sexually attracted to children that often results in violent sexual acts against children(not always, but that is the worst case scenario), are to be compared to people of the same sex being in a consensual relationship or engaging in consensual sex.  I got into a screaming match with her and tried my best to get her fired(unfortunately it didn't work but she retired a year later so result!). A paraphilia, such is pedophilia or the aforementioned necrophilia(seriously what the hell?) is a condition, with causes and symptoms. Being with a person of the same sex is not! It's not caused from trauma, it's not a disease, it's not a choice and if it is, it is not the wrong or right one. Calling a homosexual person irregular, sick or not normal, denying a fellow human being the same rights in marriage and parenthood as a straight individual is shortsighted and downright idiotic. You may not like it, you may not have the same sexual orientation but at the end of the day it's non of your business. So the next time you ask if someone is gay or straight know that you are the irregular one for not asking the basic questions "what kind of person are they?", "what are they interested in?" "are they loving or hateful?". Because if the first thing you think to ask is what they do in their beds, something is seriously wrong with you(and I kinda feel like stabbing you in the eye with a fork). Because isn't it enough that you love someone? Why should it be about who you love, male or female? Love is universal and does not discriminate.